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Ninja Q&A With NinBob.

A lot of the email that's pouring in have questions about ninjas and the ninja lifestyle. We decided to give NinBob something constructive to do here for a change and put him in charge of ninja Q&A. If you have a ninja related question, send them to us at tanjunryu@hotmail.com . NinBob will use his amazing ninja wisdom to answer all questions no matter how trivial or stupid!

Sent: Wednesday, February 22, 2006 7:32 PM
Subject: are you really a ninja or are u guys a joke
yea i got a question for you NinBob,
are you really a ninja or is this a joke?
I ask this becouse i looked through your web site and all i've seen are people who
wish to be ninjas. the photo even look pathetic. I mean the weapons don't even look real.
something is not right her in your "clan" but it seem to me You people are nothing but talk.
and the photos of the members... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
I mean 4 real what wanna bes.
you guys better hope they dont go out and fight or thats ur A**
now if your no a joke show me not just tell me. anyone can talk but can they back it up.
                     J.A.M. a ninja in a lot of tranning
Well maxmouse or J.A.M. or whatever your name is, to answer your main question, yes, we're ninjas (hence the word NINJA in the title of the site). To answer your sarcasms, I find it hard to believe that someone who spells as bad as you do can have the mental capacity to judge someone's fighting skill by looking at photos on a web site. And what do you mean "show me not just tell me"? Do you want us to come to your house and put on a demo show? We would but it would cost you lots of money that you should instead spend on your education. And what's this "ninja in a lot of tranning" thing you signed off with? What is tranning? I know "tranny" is short for transvestite. Are you training to be a transvestite ninja? Let me be the first to tell you that would be a HUGE mistake. I mean, there is no way you could be stealthy in high heels and the wig would really get in your way. The purse would come in handy for carrying throwing stars and whatnot but it'll be just something else to keep up with while sneaking through shadows and ninja-kicking opponents. No, best you concentrate on your middle-school studies for now and try to get into a real ninja dojo after you graduate. Lastly, don't worry about our member's fighting skills. They're certified ninjas and thus are awesome killing machines. Your bad manners, kinky lifestyle and inability to spell simple words tells me you have more urgent concerns than other people's ninjaness. 

Monday, February 13, 2006 2:33 AM
Allex Wright XXXXXX@hotmail.com
Dear NinBob,
I read a posting by some idiot on the Tenchu Checkpoint forum which claims that ninjas were vegetarians. This is from a guy in England who claimes to be a ninja. Is this true or is he high on crack and paint fumes? What kind of diet did ancient ninjas have and what do modern ninjas eat now?
Sarasota, FL
Dear Allex,
I am familiar with the thread you're talking about. Our own LeeLee seriously OWNED this nutjob on that particular posting. The Tenchu forum is plagued with a large number of misinformed and misguided video game nerds who know very little about ninjas but this berk obviously takes the short bus to the internet. Anyone with ANY brains know that ninjas require much more nutrition than what is found in rabbit food. What good is a ninja who can't throw a shuriken past his own feet or can't swing his ninja sword without breaking his arms? Bony, anemic, sunken-cheeked vegetarians belong in health food stores and hippie communes, NOT ninja schools. In short, this is another nutjob who is adding to the absurd misconceptions about ninjas.
You ask a fantastic question regarding diet. Proper nutrition is VERY important to the healthy, successful ninja so we have added a Health and Nutrition page to this site that will provide some excellent information on eating and exercise. Check it out!

Friday, August 5, 2005 5:53 AM
Jared Ness XXXXX@Yahoo.com
Dear NinBob,
One of my favorite movies is Shogun's Ninja starring Sonny Chiba. There's some cool ninjas in it that act like spiders. Does any of your training include imitating insects? Thanks.
Dear Jared,
I am very glad that you took the time to write but for crissakes, what the crap are you doing up at 5 am writing emails? Did you stay up all night on the internet or are you some wacko who gets up stupidly early in the morning? (stupidly early = before 11:00 am). ANYWAYZZ...
To answer your question... wait. Spiders aren't insects, you boob. Insects have six legs, spiders have twelve which make them marsupials. You need to know these things if you have the slightest, tiniest hope of having the least bit of ninja wisdom. You see, we shadow warriors are very close to nature and the elements and the environment and stuff. But we don't act like marsupials or insects or anything like that. NinJoe does this great impression of SpongeBob though. But I don't think sponges are insects either and he does it to be silly and impress chicks, not as any part of his ninjitsu. At least I hope not. Well Jared, I am glad I was able to clear up your question which I have now forgot. Let me know if I may be of any further assistance. Later!

Date: Fri, 6 May 2005 20:11:04 EDT
From: Stupid D Klown 

ok if you had to fight a tiger with your hands behind your back and you had only 1 leg cause a big fat ass dog was humpin your outher leg how would you go about it?
Dear Mr. Klown,
I can't tell you how many times I get asked that question in the dojo. It never fails... I'll be right in the middle of teaching how to defend against REALISTIC scenarios like a knife-weilding attacker hopping at you in a Ralph Machio crane stance while stabbing downward at you with a stiff-armed robotic motion. Right in the middle of the part where the attacker stops short to allow you to unleash a flurry of jumping kicks, some new guy will ask the cliche, stereotypical "how do you fight a tiger with your hands behind your back and a fat ass dog humping one of your legs?" question. I mean, this has only happened to us twice, maybe three times in the past two years (NinJoe once fought an Iguana with his hands behind his back and a gerbil duct-taped to his leg, but that's a whole different ball game and he's pretty tight-lipped about the whys and wherefors of THAT little escapade. So we thought it best to let it go))  but the public in general has this strange fixation for this extremely unlikely, hypothetical scenario. We blame David Carridine and floridation of tap water for this misunderstanding of the reality of self-defense. Stay focused on real techniques. Practice your crane stance and robotic stabbing motions (keep that elbow stiff!) and forget this Hollywood crap. Thanks for writing, though. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get this stupid fat dog off my leg and see what's scratching at my office door.

 Wednesday, March 16, 2005 10:53 AM
Pralay Mazumdar nmazumde@bigpond.net.au
can u tell me, if a shaolin master and a ninjitsu master had a fight with no weapons, who would win?, in other words which martial arts is betta?
This is too easy. We studied the entire Kung Fu TV series starring David Carridine so we have a good idea of what the Shaolin were all about. In short, The ninja would destroy the Shaolin! Every time the Shaolin would attack, the ninja would just somersault over his head and WHAMMO! hit him with a devastating ninja punch. The ninja would also probably throw down ninja smoke bombs to confuse the Shaolin and appear behind him and WHACK!! Ninja kick him in the spine. The Shaolin would hit the dirt like Ricky Martin's career but would do that little kip-up move where he would flip back on his feet but the ninja would be ready with some blinding powder RIGHT IN THE FACE! The Shaolin would stagger around and wipe at his watering eyes and the ninja would hit him with some itching powder. Oh man, the Shaolin would go APECRAP, scratching and wiping his eyes and then the ninja would do some sweet handspring flips and somersault at the Shaolin and WHAMMO! Kick the Shaolin's nads with both feet then flipping back into an AWESOME pose as the Shaolin drops like a flippin' rock. Then the ninja would get some chicks and go back to his super-secret compound and party! Like we said on the "Ninjas in Action" page on this site, only a ninja can defeat a ninja. So, ninjitsu is definately "betta".  Thanks for writing and keep checking back for more great ninja wisdom!

Wednesday, March 16, 2005 1:05 AM
From: Adam Syarto
Subject: you are such a stupid b@$+@7d
why does god let you live. you watch to many movies you stup stupid p**** b*****d.
Dear Mr. Sbarro,
Even though your attention span only allowed you to write an email with only two sentences, you managed to ask the most profound question to come our way (I assume it's a question though there is no question mark)so I'll ignore your tourettes syndrome profanity and get right to answering. Besides, I have no idea what "stup stupid means. Ok, here goes:
"why does god let you live(?)".
This question has plagued man since he first became self-aware and realized he was mortal. The idea that there was an omnipotent "God" involved in the workings of mortal men came shortly after. This God, as you have stated, lets some people live, and some people die. Why is this? It is simple. As you may have heard, God works in mysterious ways. He is all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing and invisible. So you see, the answer is: GOD IS A NINJA. In fact, we have officially voted him in as a member of the Tanjun Ryu so do take note that we have some serious muscle on our side. Thank you for your interesting and dynamic existential question. You are now in the running for our SWEET prize to be given away at the end of March.

Thursday, March 17, 2005 12:23 AM
From: Adam Syarto
how is god a ninja god has been here for eternity and ninjas came along about in the 16 century?
Wow, Mr. Adam Syarto! It's great to see you're really enjoying our site! This has to be your tenth email this week! Good question, though it, like the last one, is too easy.
You see, God actually created ninjas back in caveman days. The ninjas evolved into such SWEET stealthy warriors that anyone with any brains can see that God created them in his image. Think about it, God can kick butt at will, be anywhere without being seen,can read minds and move silently. Sounds like a ninja to me! Thanks for writing! AGAIN!

Thursday, March 17, 2005 7:07 AM
From: Adam Syarto
have you guys seen akane in the cosplay gallery she is so 7#(%1#@ fine.
(SIGH!) Hello Mr. Sbarro. Again, we are very happy to recieve all email from our fans but we don't have all the time in the world to discuss Tenchu Checkpoint (a web site devoted to the Tenchu video games) or comic books or Pokemon cards or any of the other silly time-wasters you kids are into nowadays. Yes, we saw akane's picture in the Tenchu gallery and yes, she is nice. But one day you will get touch a REAL girl. Hang in there little buddy!

Saturday, March 19, 2005 2:53 AM
From: Adam Syarto
Q: if your students only know how to kill than how do you train?
Q: you say you are a super secret ninja clan than why are you displayed on a PUBLIC WEB SITE?
A: This is NOT a public web site. As a matter of fact, ONLY Tanjun Ryu members are allowed to view it so please move along. There's nothing to see here. That's it, back to your Pokemon discussion boards and drooling over cosplay photos!
Q: what do tou mean akane is 'nice'..... she is totaly ##%#$ing  hot
A: Well, yea, we wouldn't throw rocks at her, but we don't get worked up over pictures of girls on the internet. we ninjas get REAL chicks, LOTS of real chicks. As a matter of fact, one is all up on me while I'm trying to type and I'm like "wait a minute, girl! I'm trying to answer email from our biggest fan! I'll be all over that as soon as I'm finished with this!" and she's all like "Oh hurry, NinBob, it's been almost an hour since you've ninjafied me and I'm going crazy here!" and I'm all, like.... well, you get the picture. Anyways, like I said, one day YOU will get to touch a REAL girl and won't need to play with little dinky while ogling photos. Won't that be nice?
Q: all this stuff about 'only a ninja can defeat a ninja' how is that true whene they were all killed off by the samurai. 
A: Uhhh... Hello! I'm a ninja! All of the guys here at our super-secret compound are ninjas. If you can tear your eyes away from internet porn and this web site and look up all of the ninja schools all over the world you'd be amazed. I mean, you can't swing a dead cat ANYWHERE without hitting a flippin' ninja. And besides too, I don't see any samurai running around. Yep, I'm looking around the office here and I don't see a one. I see ninjas though. Lots of them lying around playing their GameBoys and .... HEY! GET TO WORK SLACKERS! Anywayzzz- as you can see, it was the NINJA that killed off the SAMURAI.
Q: I know alot of flosies (flosies is slang for girls).
A: Well, that wasn't really a question but I'll answer anyways. I have never ever EVER heard of the word "flosies". You just made that up didn't you? Or maybe a "flosie" is slang for "a picture of a girl on the internet who I wouldn't have a fart in a tornado's chance of ever touching if she were right in front of me". Or ot COULD be, and I'm just guessing, that you actually meant "floozies". A floozy is a very old term for a girl who was easy. You know, a slut or something. A floozy isn't real picky about who touches her so go ahead, but you better wear a glove cuz they aren't real sanitary- you'll catch something. You better stick to your kinky cosplay photos. They don't give you a burning rash on little Mr. Dinky that your mom would have to rub ointment on.
Q: p.s. you guys know I....
A: NO, no, you don't have to say it. Your steady flow of twenty emails a day says it all. We love you, too Adam. Do keep in touch. We look forward to hearing from you every hour on the hour! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go ninjafy a flosie. 

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