||Chris Jeffery <chrisj@********.tv>|
||Thursday, June 9, 2005 1:03 PM|
Hello fellow ninja
Using my special ninja skills and proess i have discovered your hidden ninja, waiting
and hiding in the shadow to decapitate my nads.
But alas, i discovered him first and chopped off his head with my Super Cool and
Deadly Ninjato tm and killed him, but before he passed on to the great beyond, his head told me the secret phrase which is
"I poopy in my pants"
Bow to my skill.....
*vanishes into the shadow*
Impressive. Most impressive. You have indeed found our cleverly hidden ninja and have won what
we thought was a pretty tough contest. But lopping the head off our nice ninja mannequin was a bit much. NinjAdam has yet
to date a real girl yet and had taken quite a liking to it. Nevertheless, you have earned a much-coveted place in out ranks.
Your hallowed name is now being scribed into our member roll in our sacred scrolls.
Our hidden ninja eluded rabid Tanjun fans by the millions, until stealthy Chris Jeffries found him. Jeffries-San has
won our respect. The rest of you are shamed beyond redemption!
Date: Mon, 17 May 2005 1:59:06 EDT
My name is Larry and I have been obsesed with ninjas since I was very young and saw my first Sho Kosugi film. I just
had to write and let you know that I am so happy to finally find a web site that deals with the true ninja lifestyle. Sure
there are plenty of other ninja sites out there but they're all either silly or too full of themselves. Thanks to you, I am
no longer ashamed to admit my ninjaness to my family and friends. My folks have been very supportive and my friends say they
knew I was a ninja even before I did. They are all helping me pick out ninja gear and just threw me a ninja-theme birthday
party last week. I have ordered some of the Tanjun Ryu Tees and a uniform! I finally feel like a free, complete person.
Dear Larry San,
We are very happy that you are now able to openly enjoy being a ninja. Far too often
those around us are quick to judge those of us who live a ninja lifestyle. We're not quite where we can go
all out and have parades yet, but thanks to brave ninjas like you, we're getting there.
Date: Tue, 10 May 2005 13:59:06 EDT
just thought i would write to say thanks for the nice things that was said about me. thanks joe for putting my pic
on your forhead that is some funny stuff.
Yo Tweety! Thanks for the pics! We get photos from hot babes all the time (hot babes LOVE
ninjas) but yours are our favorite. They're also the only ones we've gotten that we can put on this PG-13 rated site. Anywayz,
NinJoe is running for the duct tape as I type this. I don't know if it's a really good thing to encourage him but we try to
humor his... hobbies.
Subject: Adam Syarto
Dude, I know Adam from real life, really
i do, ask him bout ryan
mcbride one day, he'll know who i am. And i wanna commemorate ur
artist who drew him cause
it was almost perfect. But u need to make
his hair puffier, get rid of the mustache and give him a tan, make
like a mexican. Then u have Adam Syarto, if you don't
believe I know him, just ask him.
It is so good to hear from you. A friend of Adam's is a friend of ours. He has done much
to make our site what it is today. Without him, we would likely have faded into obscurity. I am glad to know our rendering
of Mr. Syarto is "almost perfect". I have informed our talented ninja profiler of the changes and he says he'll get right
to it. But he refuses to get rid of the mustache. You know how artists can be with their work. In any event, the new picture
should be posted soon so check back later. thanks! Oh yea, next time you see Adam, tell him to come get his fat ass dog he
left here at our last slumber party. He's becoming quite a nuicence!
|The new, more accurate Adam "japanlover" Syarto portrait. Thanks Mr McBride!
Date: Fri, 6 May 2005 19:54:19 EDT
Subject: stupid d klown w/tweety
i found your site in a wal mart rest room its dope!.........
S.D.K ALABAMA WRESTLING CHAMPION
p.s how can i be a ninja.
Dear Mr. Klown,
Thanks for writing. I was going to ask how on God's green Earth you were able to find our
web site in a Wal Mart restroom but thought better of it. I've been in a Wal Mart rest room and I can only guess that the
strange bio-filth that coated the walls, toilet and floor of the one you were in somehow generated a bizarre nether-world
portal through which you glimpsed us. Stranger things have happened. If that horse-faced lipsyncing hoe-down spazzing
Ashlee Simpson can have a singing career, I am willing to believe you can access the internet with a Wal Mart toilet. Anyways,
It's awesome to have you visit us and thanks for the awesome pic. It is well known that there are few things ninjas love
more than pro wrestling and clowns. You being a pro wrestling clown makes you quite the celebrity here. As for how to
become a ninja, there are four ways:
1: Make a pilgrimage to our super-secret compound and turn over to us all your worldly
possessions and undergo many decades of hard disciplined training followed by the successful completion
of an assassination mission. Then, you must bring us....
No, wait... that's something else.
2: You can always click on our "Join Now" page on the site menu and sign up for a ridiculously
3: You can send us your woman in exchange for a genuine Certificate of Ninjafication. NinJoe
has taken a liking to her. He has printed out the picture you sent, cut her out of it, and duct-taped it to his forehead.
Don't ask. Last week he had a gerbil duct-taped to his leg. I don't even want to get into THAT fiasco.
4: We do a covert background check which includes the hiding of our super-stealthy ninjas
in your life environment (workplace, bathroom, car, sock drawer, etc) and if you are worthy we will award you ninja status. An
anonymous Tanjun Ninja at some point will slip you your Certificate of Ninjafication when you least expect it.
That's all there is to it. Now if you hear strange sounds like someone munching Doritos
under your bed, IGNORE IT. IT is only mice or possums, or something. Thanks again for writing!
Stupid D Klown (right) and the delightfully sultry Tweety.
Tweety (what a HOT name) sent us this SWEET pic. We're hosing NinJoe down right now.
You guys saved my life!! Thanks to the awesome info on your site, I was able to avoid some heavy trouble at school. I
was in the lunch room minding my own business, mind you, eating my lunch. I was sitting next to this hot chick I've been trying
to hook up with all year when this bully bonenugget everybody hates comes up and starts saying crap like "you've got my seat,
Kent. Move somewhere else or I'll move you myself." He kept pestering me and everyone was looking so I got up and did what
any sensible ninja would do. I struck a menacing pose. I said "Go ahead and try to move me, pal, and get ninjafied!" He just
shook his head (out of fear, no doubt) and walked away. I sat back down and my buddies were cracking up and giving me high-fives.
The hottie had this huge grin on her face like she couldn't believe what she just saw. Oh yea, I feel a serious hookup on
the way! Thanks Tanjun Ryu! I just sent in my membership order!
This is indeed a special day. Not only did you write us on Uma Thurman's birthday (a big
holiday here at Tanjun Ryu) but your story was an uplifting inspiration to us all. You now know the immense power of ninja
wisdom. Your Certificate and membership package is on the way. Go forth into the world and use your new powers for good!
From: Prashant Mazumdar
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 2005 10:56:44 +0000
wat was funny?
Dear Mr Mazumdar,
You now hold the record for the SHORTEST email we've ever recieved. Also the most confusing.
I can only answer by saying... uhhh... I like pie.
Date: Mon, 21 Mar 2005 22:59:10 EST
From: Luther Black
Subject: Just a few questions...
don't exist. Even if you ask a ninja, especially if you ask a
ninja, He will tell you that ninjas don't exist.
Ninjas died out roughly the same time samurai did, and that was over one hundred years ago. With the whole weapons revolution
with firearms, that couldn't behelped...unfortunately. The sword is definately a much more honorable weapon...but I digress.
So I must ask, there is no one to qualify you as a ninjitsu instructor, since ninjas have long since professionally
died out. Who then, taught you the art of the
Luther Wallace Black
Dear Mr. Black,
First, I just want to tell you what a huge fan we all are of your comedy. Your biting
wit and penchant for pointing out and lampooning the absurd in culture and politics is unsurpassed even by your cerebrally
gifted peer Dennis Miller. That said, I must also tell you that you are quite insane. You begin your email by saying ninjas
don't exist. AND IT'S AN EMAIL TO NINJAS!! As if that were not strange enough, you qualify your statement by saying that NINJAS
THEMSELVES, if asked, would say they didn't exist. You then finished the note by asking WHO TAUGHT ME NINJITSU. Uhhh... HELLO!
A NINJA for crying out loud. Sheesh! Pause to let all of the above sink in......
OK. Today you're emailing ninjas that don't exist, tomorrow you'll be sitting on a park bench
talking to elves while wearing a foil hat and eating styrofoam you found in a dumpster. Go get help NOW, Mr. Black. They're
doing WONDERS nowadays with drugs and electricity.
Date: Sun, 20 Mar 2005 20:35:22 EST
From: Tim Nugent
Subject: You RULE!!!
Just had to write
and let you know YOU GUYS ROCK. The fan mail section is my favorite! Is that Adam guy insane? I am so happy to at
long last find a REAL ninja site. There is so much junk out there that it's hard to wade through all the fakes and posers
and find REAL ninja wisdom! I have been living the ninja lifestyle now for about a year and it's so good to find you
guys. I have sent my membership payment and eagerly await my certificate of ninjafication. At long last, my life has meaning!
Keep up the good work!
Dear Mr...... Heyyyy.... Nevermind, too easy. Anyways, welcome to the world's most ROCKIN'
super-secret ninja clan. Your letter made our day. Not quite as much as the strange rantings of Mr. Sombrero (might
be insane) or that comedian in the next letter (absolutely nutso-wacko), but it was nice. You will get your
membership kit shortly and since you were such a nice guy, we're throwing in one of our new ninja tees. Keep in touch and
||Adam Syarto |
||Saturday, March 19, 2005 5:31 AM|
|hahahaha!!!! your replys to my emails were alright I laughed alot. maybe I was wrong you guys are alright look
for more of my emails in the near future...........alot more.|
Mr. Sombrero! It's always a pleasure to hear from our #1 fan.... TWELVE TIMES A DAY! And
you're going to email us a lot MORE?? Good grief, now we'll have to upgrade our email service to hold it all!
Oh yea, OF COURSE we're alright! We're NINJAS!
Al do respect i have been a ninjitsu practicioner for over 25 years, folks like you need to get
If you want members to join, cut out(no pun intended) the better than "God" attitude, if
all you think about is flips and summer saults, go back to watching fake "ninja" movies and learn REAL ninjtsu, not from the
self-made "master" of the discipline.
Dear Mr Orbitz,
I am glad that Al, whoever he is, respects that you have been a ninjitsu practicioner
for over 25 years but I do not see what that has to do with anything. I think that you should have spent a portion of that
25 years you squandered trying to earn Al's approval in some remedial english classes to improve your horrible grammar. Also,
you might want to refrain from questioning someone else's authenticity when YOU can't even spell somersault! (summer saults?
I mean, c'mon!!) And I should learn REAL ninjitsu from watching FAKE ninja movies???? What kind of advice is that? Wait
a minute... this is some joke, right? OK NinBob, you got me on this one. But let's see how funnny you think it is when
you're on shuriken-chasing detail for a month in the preschool blade-throwing class!
Sunday, March 13, 2005 9:01 PM
Jim Haynes email@example.com
Subject: from a representative of Konigun Ryu Ninjutsu
My name is Jim Haynes. I live in Illinois and teach the style of Konigun Ninjutsu. My instructor
is Shidoshi Bryce Dallas and lives in Jackson Mississippi.
I came upon your website, and I have a few questions for you.
Do you train in ninjutsu based martial art and perhaps your website is a ploy to get the attention of the younger generation,
or are you simply an admirer of ninjas?
In either case, if you are interested in learning more about Konigun Ninjutsu,
please feel free to contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org or you can look at the Konigun Ninjutsu web page at www.konigunninjutsu.com
I'd be happy to answer any questions you
have, and if you would like to train, we have camps (training seminars) throughout the country, and a few in other countries
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Dear Mr Haynes,
Thank you for your nice letter. Since you honored your ninja heritage by being respectful
to your fellow ninja, I will not poke fun at your inattention to our site content or your reading comprehension. To answer
your questions, I will quote the first page of this site:
"WE ARE NINJAS!"
"Regardless of your age, gender, size, shape or smell, the Tanjun Ryu is here for you."
This, I think, makes it clear. Also, many thanks for your offer of training though I know
it is but a thinly vieled attempt to lure us in and learn our secrets. Good try... but not good enough!!!
Wednesday, March 9, 2005. Today we recieved this email from a nice gentleman in France or something:
January 30, 2005.
To my martial arts colleagues:
I would like to take this opportunity to invite you, your family and your students to participate in our 13th
Franklin Ruemmele International Martial Arts Cup that will be celebrated at the new Roger Mendoza Coliseum in the city of
Caguas, Puerto Rico on Sunday, May 22, 2005. Registration will be done at the hotel plus at the tournament site. The
tournament will begin at 11:00 a.m.
There will be competitors from north, south and central America and from Puerto Rico. There are over 800 trophies and 200
medals with 10 Gran Champions in all Black Belt divisions.
From first to fourth place their will be trophies and all finalists will receive medals in all the divisions in forms
and fighthing. As for the students kyu ranks they may participate in forms, weapons, musical forms and fighting. Plus
the girls will compete apart from the boys in forms and fighting. Carefully chosen, experienced referees and officials
will be on hand to insure competitors of all ages with the fairest judging possible.
I will begin the tournament with the kyu ranks up to the black belt divisions. Team fighting and individual adult black
belt forms and fighting will be after the regular categories have finished. Their will be no night time finals.
The cost is $25.00 one or two events. I am also working with the local government for lodging for our atletes. You must
register in time to have your room separated.
Spend some extra time and have a nice summer vacation in beautiful Puerto Rico. For more information write call, fax or
Shihan Raymond Correa 6th Dan
Director Ruemmele Cup
Well, Mr Corolla, we sincerely appreciate the invite but I fear that our students cannot compete in
your games. Tanjun Ryu warriors only know how to kill. We do not know how to play spar-tag or do the little dances you call
"katas". We're ninjas and as ninjas we would have to kill whoever we compete against. Preferrably in a sneaky-stealthy way.
I doubt the families of the competing artist would enjoy seeing their loved ones standing there waiting for an opponent and THWAKKK!
A ninja star nails them in the forehead from out of the shadows. So Mr. Corona, I must respectfully decline.
The Tanjun Ryu ninja will not be there this year........ Or will they?????