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| The Intrepid Staff at MAE: Combating MA Nerdom! |
Friday, June 30, 2006
MySpaced!
As predicted we have squandered way too much time on MySpace. The reason for this is mainly due to one particular
martial arts group: Martial Arts Enthusiasts. Just when we tired of all the shrill self-absorbed martial arts forums led by
arrogant yet dumb as rocks admins and populated by young noobs who know little about MA outside their McDojo, we find
this gem. The group leader, John Kimble and co-founders Mike Barnes and Big Black Guy (with the aid of Ed
the Longshanks, Minister of Propaganda) have crafted a virtual kingdom of sorts with a member heirarchy, a shrine to
honored Member of the Month winners and a page displaying banned member's heads on spikes. This is a group with a sense of
humor. Many discussions aren't martial arts related and often careen wildly off-topic when they are. This chaos belies the
simple fact that Kimble et al are very MA-savvy. They know their stuff and many of the discussions are informative and interesting.
Now throw in the inevitable mix of noobs, novices, teenagers, narcissistic dweebs and outright morons and you have a
very entertaining experience. Do yourself a favor and check out Martial Arts Enthusiasts at: http://groups.myspace.com/martialartsenthusiasts
Saturday, April 15, 2006
New News News
For those of you who are fanatical readers of this page, we apologise for the length of time
between updates. Much of our energies have been spent on getting our new MySpace page up. It's at this point an experimental
thing headed by our resident Goth Death Dealer, NinBad. This new page will possibly be the home of all of our site updates
and news so be sure to check it out at: http://www.myspace.com/tanjunryu
ADAM SYARTO IS ALIVE!!!
For the past several weeks we have reported what rumors comes our way regarding the tragic, untimely death of our resident
lunatic ninja, Adam Syarto. The latest details we recieved gave his death as an accident involving a wardrobe malfunction
while filming a gay enema video but we didn't reveal the unsavory details out of respect for his next-of-kin. But it now appears
that the reports of his death are untrue as we have apparently recieved an email from Adam himself. The attached photo of
Adam confirms not only that Adam is alive, but that our ninja sketch artist is extremely talented. Compare our artist's rendering
below with the Photo Adam sent and you'll see what we mean.
Our artist's depiction of Adam Syarto happily recieving his Certificate of Ninjafication.
Actual photo of Adam. The resemblance is eerie!
We are very unsure of what happened to Adam during the time between his reported death at the hands of a transvestite
on PCP and now, but it appears that he is alive and well and residing in Rochester, Michigan. We are much relieved that he
is OK and aplologise for the intense apathy caused by our erroneous reports of his untimely undoing. The next time we recieve
rumors of someone's death we will immediately dispatch an assassin to confirm its accuracy. That's all for now. Be sure
to visit our MySpace page for more news and wisdom.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
The end of February is nigh upon us already! Where does the time go? It seems that it was just yesterday that
we were all staggering home from our New Years party here at the secret Tanjun Ryu compound.... wait... that WAS yesterday.
Now for what's new.
We must apologise that we haven't been able to reply to ALL the emails we've been getting. There is simply not
enough time nor site space so please don't be discouraged if we're slow to get back to you. The best way to get a quick reply
in our fan mail or advice section is to write us a remarkably nice or remarkably stupid email. NinBob just replied
to one on his "Ask NinBob" page. YOU be the judge as to which kind of email it is.
Tanjun Ryu Book Set for Publication
Ninjas worldwide are in ecstatic spasms as they anticipate the release of NinBad's new book due to be released
at the end of March. The book's title and contents are at this time very hush-hush but needless to say it will deal with ninjitsu.
More details will be reported here as they become available.
First Newsletter a Huge Success
Our first e-newsletter went out last month and it ROCKED. If you haven't signed up for our mailing list you missed
out. The next edition goes out at the end of Feb. It will have photos, news, and our fan letter of the month. Hopefully more
details about NinBad's book will be included as well. Don't miss this one!
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Take a look at the table of contents and you'll see that we have added the much anticipated "Ask LeeLee" page
to our splendiferous site. This is an advice column like no other hosted by our favorite ninja chick LeeLee. This girl is
so smart it's scary so stop wasting all that money on quack therapists and send her your burning relationship or existential
questions. It's sage council for ninjas by a ninja. Now what other ninja site can offer you THAT?? NOBODY, that's who!
NinBad is dragging his feet about it but his e-interview with the world's #1 ninja band Ninja Academy
is on the way. Look for it later on the music page. PLUS, we have a super-special cd review coming featuring a hot singer
you need to know about up so look for that as well.
Now for some late-breaking developments on a subject I mentioned in an earlier
update. As you all know, our token nutjob, Adam Syarto has been missing for several months now. We were alerted to this
fact after seven hours went by one day without a new email from him praising us as Gods and vowing eternal devotion
to us. Rumors quickly circulated (by us) that he was demised, run over by an elevator or dragged to death under
a manure cart in some third world country. Well, around mid-December of last year we started getting some nutty emails
from someone claiming to be him. Here's one:
Monday, December 26, 2005 3:15 AM
why havent you up-dated!?!?!!?! will leelee 4 real have her own advice column on your site?
and take that stupid pic off the milk carton! I dont look like that!!!! I am 72 inches with white skin and short hair(my hair
was long and STRAIGHT but uncle sam doesent like that very much) so take that stupid sanford and son looking picture off your
site!
p.s. tell leelee I said hey. PEACE!
While the fact that this person gives his height in inches is goofy
enough to lead us to believe it's from Adam and the schizophrenic, bipolar nature of this email would lead us to
believe it's authentic, we're calling it a hoax. Several points in this short tirade give it away as a dumb joke by some twisted
email nerd. First of all, Adam hangs on our every word and knows every minute detail of this site. He reads every
word passionately and touches himself lovingly while doing so. So he KNOWS that since we last heard from him, we updated the
site about 10 times including new pages, music reviews, news updates, photos of Tweety, etc. As a matter of fact, we
updated it THE DAY BEFORE THE EMAIL WAS SENT. As you see from the VERY FIRST SENTENCE, this boob hasn't a clue.
SECONDLY, his claim that our artist's rendering looks nothing like him is pure hogwash. I will quote a CLOSE, PERSONAL
FRIEND of Adam who wrote us after we published the picture:
Dude, I know Adam from real life, really i do, ask him bout ryan
mcbride one day, he'll know who i am. And i wanna
commemorate ur
artist who drew him cause it was almost perfect. But u need to make
his hair puffier, get rid of the
mustache and give him a tan, make
him look like a mexican. Then u have Adam Syarto.
See, "almost perfect" is how a REAL, personal friend of Adam describes the drawing. We even made the changes
to make it even perfecter. Lastly, each email includes a "tell LeeLee I said hi"sentiment. The REAL Adam Syarto knows that
LeeLee wants nothing to so with him. She's real evasive on the reasons why. It has something to do with being "creeped out
by his affection for dead people".
So, to this individual who keeps claiming to be Adam, drop the act, fella! It's a pretty morbid prank you're
pulling here. Our beloved afro-and-sombrero wearing ninja is DEAD, killed by a jealous transvestite in a San Francisco man-brothel.
You're not fooling us, you sicko. I hope Mr. McBride or some other friend of Adam will contact us and let us know the latest
on this horrific tragedy.
With that, we officially end the month of January 2006. It's been an awesome year so far. I can't wait to see
what's next.
Monday, January 23, 2006
January is proving to be a very busy month for us as some of you who have been waiting for your membership kits
well know. We are very happy to announce that we have caught up with the unexpected demand and all membership packages are
on the way. If you have not recieved yours yet, fear not- it is on the way as you read this. Thanks for your support
and patience. For those of you who have NOT ordered yet, fear not. There should be no delay in getting your merchandise
to you.
Wednesday, January 4th, 2006
Well, we survived the annual Tanjun Ryu New Years party. Well, MOST of us. There are a few of us unaccounted for. We
found NinPete today still passed out in a house plant so we're making progress. Our commerce department is blazing away at
the many, many membership and merchandise orders so please be patient if you haven't gotten your yet. Speaking of memberships,
we're seeing a sharp increase in the number of ladies joining the Tanjun Ryu. That rules. All you awesome girls
who join are urged to send us a picture of you in ninja gear for our "Hot Chicks" page. Can you think of a COOLER way
to immortalize yourself before a worldwide audience? I think not. Speaking of hot chicks, LeeLee will be launching her new
advice column here very soon. Send her your questions about life, the universe, and everything and get a ninja chick's wise
point of view. Speaking of a wise point of view....
Sign Up For Our Newsletter!
Go to the Contact Page and register your email address for our monthly newsletter which will be bursting with priceless
ninja wisdom to get you through your life. It's quick, it's easy, it's FREE and worth every penny! Do it now!
Adam Syarto ALIVE????
We have been getting some strange emails that hint that our #1 stalker Adam Syarto may still be alive. We find this
hard to believe as we have it on good authority that his bullet-and-opium-saturated body was found in a ghetto man-brothel.
More on that in our next update. Speaking of strange emails, we have a doozy on our fan mail page from a poor fellow
who has been taken in by a shady fake "kickboxing master". Hopefully NinBob's wise counsel has helped this poor young boy
see the light.
That's it for now. Have a happy and healthy 2006 one and all (even you unfortunate non-ninjas).
Sunday, December 25th, 2005
Let no mortal question my dedication and loyalty to our Tanjun Ryu fans and friends worldwide. Here it is Christmas day
and I am here hard at work on this brief update. Everyone else is incapacitated by too much food, drink and outright avarice
but here I am in the Super-Secret Main Office working. That's the kind of ninja I am. So what's new?
Nothing. Well, maybe plenty but we've been too busy to notice. Between frenzied bouts of dire combat (by that I mean
Christmas shopping) visiting family, eating too much and now playing with all the wonderful toys we've recieved, we have struggled
to keep up with the web site business, merchandise orders, membership sign-ups and hordes of stalking chicks begging
to party with us. NEVERTHELESS...
Membership Orders Are Being Shipped
Tanjun Ryu merchandise and memberships were hot items this holiday season and we have had a hard time kereping up with
the orders. REST ASSURED we are shipping all membership orders as we speak. If you have been waiting for your kit please be
patient and please accept our apologies for the wait. Your kit is being shipped as quickly as possible. We extend a heartfelt
thanks to all the support and are thrilled to have you all in our awesome secret organization. Just remember to keep
it secret!
That's it for now. Hope you all had an awesome Christmas. Now we must go prepare for the debauchery that is
NEW YEARS!
Monday, November 21, 2005
OK, we just THOUGHT the dead Chinese philosophiser was the biggest kook out there. Go to the Fan Mail page and behold
the goofiness that is Yung Phoon. I swear folks, these are actual correspondences we get on a regular basis. In other news:
Ninja Academy Interview Coming Soon
NinBad's neato interview with our fave band is in the works so be patient. His PlayStation2 died the other day so maybe
he'll get something productive done here for a change. In related news, we just scored an AWESOME artist for our next music
feature. I am dying to tell you but I won't. You'll just have to wait. Heh-heh-heh.
The Penguins Are Coming!!
OK, this doesn't inspire a great deal of alarm, I know but there is something sinister going on in Simon's Town, South
Africa. A group calling itself the Penguin Military Intelligence Agency is apparently taking control of the area. The organization's
leader, known as the Penguin Overlord, states on their web site (www.penguinmilitary.com) "Our goal is world domination. We will achieve this by any means necessary." It
is unknown at this time if this group poses a real threat to world security, but rest assured your intrepid Tanjun Ninjas
will be watching these paramilitary penguins closely and will defend the world from evil.... by any means necessary!
Saturday, November 5, 2005
What's new: As of five minutes ago (well, five minutes before I wrote this) we opened the new Tanjun Ryu message board.
This forum is open to everyone so register and log in and exercise your freedom of speech if not your manners and good sense.
Tell us what you think, what you know, what you think you know, etc. This is a great way for all of our fans to interact with
not only their favorite Tanjun ninja, but each other as well.
We're still getting some hilarious emails. Check out the Fan Mail page for a nice letter from a long dead Chinese philosophiser.
Also check out our new Music page where we're featuring a totally SWEET band you need to check out. That's all the
new stuff I can think of right now. Besides, the Ultimate Fighter finale is coming on and our fave ninja, Luke Cummo
(a.k.a. The Silent Assassin) is in the finals. BYE!
Click Here and Visit the New Forum!
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
This is to you rabid, impatient Tanjun Ryu fans out there who keep screaming (via email, that is) for more pics
of our ninjas and more updates: ALRIGHT ALREADY. GEEZ! I'm in the middle of Kingdom Hearts for Playstation2 and there's only
so many hours in the day. But I hear you. We've added a couple of pics on the NIA page. They're of our intern, NinGeorge.
He's been training with us for about a month now and he's showing some uncanny skills- particularly in his invisibility technique.
More of him later. NinBob will have some new emails answered soon and best of all, we'll have a new page up featuring our
friend in Kyoto, Japan, LeeLee. This lovely ninjette will have her own advice column starting in a couple of weeks so get
ready from some sage chick advice about relationships, bladed weapons, and dim mak and such. Send in your questions now if
you want to make the first installment.
One of the best features coming up is music and film reviews. We've been in touch with some industry folks and it looks
like we'll have a line on some ninja-interest movies and music- that is if these guys aren't flat out lying to us
which is possible... actually it's pretty likely now that I think about it. Celebrities can be so unreliable.
Speaking of celebrities, we haven't gotten a cry-for-attention-and-help email from our hispanic brother Adam in awhile.
Rumor has it he's dead. Well, actually the rumor originated with us and we're spreading it pretty much. I mean, we can't think
of anything short of death keeping him from writing us seventy-five times a day. NinBob thinks he just forgot how to
use a computer and I'm kinda with him on that. If anyone knows for sure he's dead, please let us know.
Lastly but not leastly, our own NinBob is featured on the Ninja Fanlisting
web site. All you ninjas out there go visit this site (see our links page) , vote for his picture and register yourselves.
You are NOT a true ninja or ninja fan if you do not. That's it, man. Later.
Wednesday, August 31 2005
I am plagued by guilt that we have not updated the site in a long time. This is due to the fact that I have been playing
lots of video games. I know, I know, I should have come up with a great story about how I have been on a super-secret mission
and have spent the last few weeks submerged in a pond breathing through a reed in order to assassinate an evil-doer
but no.... I have frittered away a goodly portion of my time playing some sweet video games I bought. Hey, we're honest ninjas,
not like some of our so-called competition who must make stuff up in order to be cool. It's like I was telling these
two supermodels who were trying to get with me the other day after I had smashed this gang of muggers who were menacing them,
I keep it real, yo! I mean, when I'm like, chilling with my friends Brad Pitt and Gary Coleman, I don't have to be all fake
and put on an act. What was I talking about again? Oh yea, updating the site...
We're working on new shirt designs and will be posting new photos of the guys here soon. Hopefully we'll have some SWEET
ninja technique demos and a movie review page is in the works. I am currently playing catch-up with email and
will be posting new ones on our fan mail section. I guess that's about it. Mainly We just wanted you all to know
we haven't abandoned our site and the Tanjun Ryu is still in full force here in our super-secret compound. More is on
the way so stay tuner. Later!
Saturday June 18, 2005
We here at the Super-Secret Tanjun Ryu Compound are excited beyond belief. Our idol, our dream girl, the amazing singer
known the world over as Wing, has sent us an email! Check it out on our Fan Mail page and feel the crippling waves of envy
drive you to commit seppuku. It's little more than an announcement of her new single, a rockin' cover of AC/DC's Highway to
Hell. We can read between the lines, though. It's clear to us that Wing digs ninjas.
Other news:
UK Ninja Does the Impossible!
Chris Jeffery in far away England has astonished us all by doing what we thought was undoable. He has FOUND THE TANJUN
RYU HIDDEN NINJA and has thereby able to send us the super-duper secret phrase. We cannot reveal how or where we hid our stealthy
ninja on this site, but we can say that Jeffery-San must have spent considerable time poring over every detail here to win
the contest. His dedication and large amounts of wasted time here has earned him a membership in the Tanjun Ryu. All bow to
our newest ninja!
That's about it. Our token dork Adam Syarto (NinjAdam as he is known here) is still sending sad emails of the "I'm
bored, please pay attention to me" variety. NinPete is learning to ride a bicycle (no simple task for a 40-year-old man with
poor balance). Ummm.. Oh yea, there's new art on the Fan Art page. Something about a penguin I think. OK, that's it for now.
Later!
Saturday May 14, 2005
We did it. We made it through another Friday the 13th without any badness afflicting us. Well, NinBob DID have to fight
of an attacking tiger while a fat dog clung to his leg, but he escaped with his life so we count that as good luck.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
We are pretty excited about our new line of apparel in our ninja merchandise section. We've added several new tee shirts,
a new cap and a slinky little thong for the ladies. The thong is our favorite. NinJoe has insisted on being a "product tester"
and he's been wearing one ever since they came out. We are little worried and somewhat creeped out but he's happy when he's
being useful. Anyway, it's a quality product, we've learned so check it out.
Wednesday, April 20th 2005: New Members
A big welcome and congratulations go out to our two newest members, the Nance Brothers out
in Huntsville, Alabama. These lucky scrubs are now gen-yew-wine Tanjun ninjas. OK guys, enjoy your new heightened status
and all the babes what comes with it!
Also joining our ranks is a ninjitsu practicioner who hails from far away Kyoto. I think that's
in France or somewhere near there. Anywayz, welcome to the greatest ninja party EVAR, Lee Lee Takahachi. I hope I spelled
your name right. Lee Lee is pretty tricky sometimes, I keep wanting to add too many "e's".
Last but not least, Tim Nugent (no relation, unfortunately, to Ted) from Newark, NJ. Tim has been
a big fan from the beginning and now he has reason to continue living.
Oh yea, And then there's Adam. We're not going to dwell on Adam at this point. He's been pretty
moody lately.
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